3 Stages of Healing Codependency

Firstly, if you identify with having codependent tendencies, I want you to know that you are not damaged goods. These are learned behaviours that we've inherited and have had modeled to us in so many parts of society. These are complex relationship dynamics and unfortunately are more common than we realise. Healthy, secure relationships are actually not that common. As space holders, healers, lightworkers, coaches, and conscious parents it is super important for us to be able to model healthy relationships for both our clients and for  future generations.

The shadow aspect of the healer is codependency. Wanting to control, fix, save, manipulate and help the other in order to gain a sense of self and to feel worthy of love. In its highest and healed expression it is sacred service, starting with self. At the core, codependency is the abandonment of self. We have learnt that who we are is determined by the perception of someone outside of ourselves. Our view of ourselves is created through the other person and that sets us up for a really tricky dynamic where we are constantly trying to control how we are perceived by bending and twisting ourselves into someone we are not in order to feel good enough. Sadly, the result is, that we never feel loveable, worthy or good enough because ultimately, we cant control other people can we?

When this pattern is engrained into the way we perceive ourselves and the world, it inevitably shows up and plays out in many different scenarios - romantic relationships, friendships, workplaces, finances and even our own businesses. That's why its super important to do the inner work to unweave these patterns and to take back your power and build a strong sense of self and return to your own personal power and sovereignty.

The 3 Stages of Healing from Codependency are…

1. AWARENESS

The first stage is understanding where codependency is playing out. Understanding yourself, how you're contributing to the endless, looping dynamic and seeing it for what it is allows us to move out of the place of unconscious autopilot and into the position of the observer. When we shine a light on where this shadow is hiding we can begin to unweave and mend it. While its lurking, we are thrashing about living amongst the wound and often consumed by, or blaming the other in this infinite cycle of dysfunction.

2. INDEPENDENCE

Because we have been outsourcing our self worth and sense of self to someone else, we must begin to carve our own path. Here, we need to start spending time on our own, connecting to our own hobbies passions, questioning what we value in life, connecting to our spirituality, our community, our tools and resources so that we can begin to build that confidence in ourselves that WE in fact are okay on our own. In this phase we are calling our power back to ourselves and beginning the journey of self discovery - who am I outside of the role of the helper that I play? Finding our sense of strength in our independence/individuality and learning to build that muscle of trusting in ourselves and our choices. Here is where a lot of healing happens.

3. INTERDEPENDENCE

By this stage, we have mastered the independence, we are ok on our own, we are nourished, fulfilled, have clear boundaries and feel ready now to invite someone else into our life whether that be romantically, friendships, flatmates, more clients, colleagues etc. At this stage, inviting someone else into our lives should feel like the cherry on top, not the whole cake. 

Now the tricky phase begins because we must learn how to hold and maintain our relationship to self WHILE in the presence with others. That means, staying connected to your friends, your hobbies, your passions, holding your boundaries and having a life outside of the relationship/business you've called in. It also means actively encouraging the other person to do the same. This stage requires a lot of time, patience and practice because its one thing to have a strong sense of self when you're on your own, but can you keep your strong sense of self while in relationship with another. There will be times where you slip back into old habits, this is not a quick step. We are weaving piece by piece a whole new way of relating to ourselves in the presence of another. In this phase, both people are whole in their own right and choosing to share in relationship while maintaining their relationship with themselves.

So, where do you think you are in this process?

STEP 1, STEP 2 OR STEP 3?

If you’d like to dive in deeper and learn more about codependency, identify where its showing up in your life/business and how to overcome it, sign up here to receive a free copy of my eBook - the 3 Stages of Healing Codependency.

I designed The Creative Soul Sanctuary Membership as another layer of support for Step 2. Independence. Its all about carving time out for yourself, building your tool kit of practices, discovering who you are, having that accountability to continue choosing and prioritsing yourself. Especially when your relationships, your work, or your business try to pull you away and tempt you back into that old habit of abandoning yourself in the name of helping others. 

The Creative Soul Sanctuary membership walks us through the themes of the chakras, and overhauls our relationship to ourselves on every layer starting from the bottom and climbing to our sacred service (soul star chakra). Think of it as a gym membership for your sense of self. Repetition, accountability and support from like minded souls helps us to build these healthy habits over time.

For more information on joining The Creative Soul Sanctuary Membership, click here to learn more and to make your energetic commitment to yourself by joining our soul tribe.

If you would prefer 1:1 tailored coaching support to navigate healing from codependency and rising into your sacred service, you can book a 30 minute coaching session here to get started on the journey.