Healthy Ways to Process Anger
Anger is an emotion that we don’t really know what the to do with. It comes up, often unexpected and has the ability to absolutely consume us at lightning speed. We don’t know what to do with all this energy - we either shut down, numb it, bury it, or we let it consume us in the moment and we explode. The emotion of anger isn’t dangerous – it’s when we REACT from a state of anger that it becomes destructive in the way we have all been on the receiving end at some point.
Anger in fact is often a protection mechanism for the underlying emotion of being hurt. We all have emotional wounds based on everything that has happened during our lifetime and each person’s wounds are very different based on their individual life experience. When someone does or says something that plugs into our wound and hurts us we feel small, judged, not good enough, rejected, and powerless. How do we get our power back when were hurt? We go into anger, let it consume us and we use our fire breathing dragon breath to hurt them back, to also make them feel hurt, to bring them down to where we are and we end up with a big mess – saying things we don’t really mean and hurting people we care about.
If on the other hand you’re the kind of person who runs, bury, numbs, shuts out – this anger has nowhere to go so it is stored for later and weighs you down. If this keeps happening it will develop into rage and resentment and it will build and build over time.
Neither of these reactions are helpful – so what the hell do we do with it?
I have come to learn that the antidote for anger is awareness and presence.
You’re triggered, you’re livid, furious, raging – ready to explode. At this point you need to practice EXTREME self-discipline.
Remove yourself from the situation - step away. You may roll your eyes at this point and think well how does that help me? Isn’t this avoiding the problem or a sign of defeat/weakness? Quite the opposite – its absolute strength to be able to take a little space. Walk away so that you can create space for yourself to move through this anger in a healthy way. When you are in rage, you cannot communicate, it’s too late, you’re filtering everything through the height of your deepest wounds – there is no possible way for a good outcome for anyone in this state.
Remove yourself, BUT here’s the difference – don’t suppress it - go with it - allow it – and ...THEN communicate it.
Tips to create space for your anger:
1. Sit with your rage and write it in a letter
Give that piece of paper everything you’ve got, yell at it, scream at it, tell them what you think of them in that moment of rage, how angry you are, everything they’ve said/done, how they made you feel, whatever you need to write – get every last piece of the rage out onto the paper. Then read the letter, feel everything you’ve said. Cry if you need to. Then burn it.
You are doing this for you, not for them. You just need to allow the activation to move through you. Once the rage has left your body in this way, the intensity of the emotion will possibly be a lot less. Sleep on it. Let your body readjust. Now when you approach the person to talk about it, I swear you will have a lot more clarity, have a level head and hopefully be able to express why you felt hurt in a calm way which trust me, will be received a lot better by the other person.
If you supress it, sleep on it and then try approach the person – there’s every chance you will go straight back into rage again because it is still in your body.
2. Listen to music that really strikes a nerve – tap into the emotion you are feeling, allow the music to bring forward the emotion and let the emotion of the music be your outlet. Afterwards, remember to slow it back down again and take some gentle time to gently come out of the intensity of the emotion.
3. We can process anger and rage through physical movement – lifting weights, kick boxing, martial arts or even running. Through the power of physical movement the energy of anger/rage is able to shift through us. Endorphins kick in and counter balance the adrenaline created when we enter anger or rage.
If it is historical anger that you have buried for a long time, you can combine all of the above for a really powerful impact. A few years ago I needed to release a lot of old repressed anger and rage so I combined all of the above. I wrote a letter, and I consciously decided to create space to release it. I read the letter, I let myself feel and embody the anger and then I went to a heavy metal show. I waited for it to bubble up to the surface and then a certain song come on and the lyrics really struck a nerve. I let the anger completely consume me in order to be released. I threw myself into the mosh pit, I screamed the lyrics and let my aggression express through my entire body. Later, I burned the letter. I am free of that emotion now, those emotions don’t need to weigh me down or keep me stuck anymore.
Because it is a process to set you free, sometimes it’s not necessary to express it to the other person at all. This means you can use any of these techniques to process anger with people you are not in contact with anymore such as: estranged family, old friends/partners, or even people who have passed over. Remember that processing these heavy emotions is in order to set you free so that you no longer have to carry around stored resentment and anger.
We are all human, we are not perfect, we are doing the best that we can, but if you can practice (and I say practice because it’s not easy) then it will get easier. Moral of the story is, you have permission to feel hurt, angry, disappointed, all of these emotions are ok. It’s ultimately what we do with them that matters. If you need extra help navigating big emotions consider receiveing some coaching or additional support as well.
